So, what do we do about it?

First: Single sequential term limits for legislators. After you've finished your term, you're done. You can run every other term, but no campaigning in office. Don't give me any of that mamby-pamby, "we can't get anything done in one term" crap either. You don't get anything done now, so shut your hole. Besides, think of how much extra time you'll have to pass legislation if you're not concerned with incumbancy for, what... most of your time in office?

Second: Elections should be run in the Reverse-American-Idol format. Each week, after a brief stump session for each candidate, the public calls and votes for the candidate they want eliminated. The last week, the candidates go head-to-head in a full debate and the public votes their candidate in. If the "pro" vote comes when there's only two left, you needn't worry about a candidate "stealing" votes from another. It's hard to believe America put more effort into electing Fantasia Barrino than we do for national elections, but it's true.

Finally: No campaign is allowed to mention another candidate. All statements must take the form of "If elected, I will take action A which I believe will result in condition B because of factors C, D, and E." I don't care what you won't do.

Americans are stupid

Are you concerned about the "Death Tax?" Let me clarify it a bit for you: If you are actually reading this blog yourself and not having it related to you by your scantily clad staff which is also bathing you in champaign, chances are the Estate Tax doesn't apply to you.

There are choices somewhere between "stay the course" and "cut and run."

If your legislator voted against what was (ostensibly) an education bill, chances are their reason for voting "no" had very little to do with education. Chances are, your legislator does not hate children.

I highly doubt any candidate wants to give your job to illegal immigrants.

"Your" party loves your vote more than it loves you.

If you think America is safer now than it was before we went into Iraq, I've got a home security system to sell you.

Wake the hell up, America...

The cuteness keeps coming

This morning, Ellie was on our bed as I was getting ready; so was our cat, Ming.  Ellie has a habit of diving on the cat and biting him or grabbing his feet and tail, so I told her she could only play with the cat if she was GEN-tle...  She was nice for a while, then she dove in and grabbed big handfuls of Ming.  He was none too happy about this.

I picked her up and said, "I told you only if you were nice to Ming."  I carried her out by her pile o' toys in the living room.  She grabbed my finger to let me know she wanted to do some walking, so I extended my other finger as well.  She walked me over to her blocks which are shaped to match the openings in the container where they belong.  She grabbed a cylinder (her favorite) and started walking.  She walked me all the way back to the bedroom and placed the block on the bed right in front of the cat.

I have no idea if she knew what she was doing or the effect it had on me...

New level to our relationship

I just said, "How you doin'?" to Springer downstairs and he said, "Fine." I think we've moved into a new phase in our relationship. I didn't realize he just got kicked off that dancing show (my coworkers told me this). I should have asked him if he needed a hug.

David Sedaris

Rachael bought Laura and me tickets to go see David Sedaris last Friday. He was doing a reading at the theater across the street from the casino in Aurora. You could smell the chai emanating from the the NPR crowd's hybrids the whole way out there from the city. Every time we passed a car occupied by black turtlenecks, Laura and I would give each other a knowing look. It took an hour and a half to get out there, so we exchanged a lot of knowing looks. We ended up making it with a minute to spare. We turned our car over to the valet right out front and I slipped her an extra fiver. She said, "Thank you, sir," and we ran in to grab our seats.

The reading itself was hilarious. His first story was about a morgue (a natural goldmine for yuks) and it was recorded for the Halloween episode of This American Life. He read another couple of stories and then did a little Q&A. For some reason, he was hawking a book by another author. A non-fiction book about schizophrenics. He didn't actually seem to be promoting anything for himself.

There are two types of writers in the world - portrayers and relaters. Portrayers tell stories and relaters tell their stories. My friends auftn and jeanz are both portrayers. They carefully set out the details of the story and let you assemble them in your head. Most of the great writers in the world are portrayers.

A classic example of a relater is Henry Miller. Virtually every word Henry Miller ever wrote was about Henry Miller. Even his most astonishing descriptive passages seem to serve the purpose of letting you know what astonishing descriptive passages Henry Miller was capable of writing. It takes a great deal of skill as a relater to keep your work from sounding like, well, a blog entry... I am a relater (and not that skilled). There always seems to be that pesky "I(me)" hanging around in everything I write.

David Sedaris is one of those skilled relaters. He somehow manages to back into portraying situations and characters in the course of relating his experiences. The results are not only hilarious, but deceptively insightful.

As we left the theater, we ran into Grant Miller. I hadn't seen him since we left DeKalb, so it was good to catch up. They were out on a date with the kids at home, too. When I handed the valet my ticket, she said, "Sir, your car is right out front."

I looked at Laura and said, "See what good tipping will do for ya?" When we got to the car, it was unlocked and someone had rifled through our console for change.

Okay... Help me out here.

I was thinking...  I can't remember the last time this government actually did something.  I was trying to remember the last time a couple of reps came forward and said, "We're proud to announce this new bill that we think will be good for all Americans."  I think it's been a while.

If we elected our officials to engage in a gigantic monkey poo flinging fracas, then I think we have precisely the right men and women in office to do the job.  If we elected them to enact legislation to move this country forward, I think we've made a horrible mistake.

Lately, the most visible poo-flinging has centered on the Foley scandal.  It seems like every time its been brought up to a Republican, they just yell "Clinton!" or "Chappaquiddick!" and run out of the room.  The Republicans claim that the Dems "conveniently" waited until a month before the election to blow the lid on it.  I have to ask, when would you have preferred the lid be blown off?  Seems like you had years to come forward and tell the American public what was what.  That doesn't seem to be a real strong suit for this administration.

But, back to my original point.  Can someone tell me what was the last thing this government accomplished was?  The old excuse used to be, "Well, we tried, but the [opposite party] blocked us on [Proposed Legislation X]."  Seems to me that the elephants have the White House, both cameral bodies of Congress, and the High Court.  Still, they seem to be marching in place to the beat of their respective party's drum.

Help me out.  Let me know if I've missed some actual progress that's been obscured by the huge amounts of monkey crap flying around inside the beltway.

(Demi-)Random Thoughts

• First, let me officially eat my words about Rex Grossman. Holy Crap!
• Second, Andy McPhail resigns as Cubs President - let me suggest that they begin the search for a successor with guys named "McPass" or "McSucceed." McDone-uh is not what I want to hear before we've even McBegun-uh.
• Third, one of the coolest things about living in the city is watching the moon rise over a skyscraper. It reminds you of what we're capable of. In the immortal words of Kermit the Frog: "Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
  And look what it's done so far."
• Finally, one of the coolest things about being a father is watching a smile rise on your child's face. It reminds you of what you're capable of.

Love. D.