Cold War 2: Electric Boogaloo

Hey! How 'bout a good ol' fashioned arms race?

Our foreign policy is so bad that our allies are firing missiles to show us up. I really wish Carter hadn't backed off his "worst administration in history" comments. Of course, wishy-washiness was always a problem with him...

Jesus Shark Born

Cool!

Candid-ish

To the girl I knew in college: I was "not fully candid" about my intentions that night.

To my Mom: My explanation of why the garage caught fire that one time was "incomplete or inaccurate in a number of respects."

To my sister: I just "laid out [my] general recollection" of how that window got broken.

To my roommate who couldn't find the rest of his weed: Rest assured, I "tried to act in good faith."

To the current and ex-members of the Justice Department: "Fuck you, liars."

Celebrity Encounters Part Whatever +1

So, a double-duty post here - a celebrity encounter and an uber-geek moment all in one. I fixed the Citrix environment on Sam Skinner's iBook today. He said I was "sharp."

I'm putting that on my resume.

Ha!

Take that! The employees of the organization with which (and for whatever reason) I have chosen to align myself are outperforming the employees of the organization with which (and for whatever reason) you have chosen to align yourself! Sure, both resource pools are highly skilled at meaningless tasks and they both have individual employees who are capable of completing those meaningless tasks in "employee of the month" fashion... And, in the grand scheme of things, both resource pools are performing their particular set of meaningless tasks only well enough to outperform the employees of about half of the other organizations. But, head-to-head, when your organization sends its employees into our office to perform their tasks in direct competition, our employees have been outperforming your employees!

Ha! Take that!

Tinky-Winky 1, Fallwell 0

Jerry Fallwell was a great American who went toe-to-toe with the media powerhouse that is PBS. Fallwell recognized the danger of a well-informed, participatory public, and wasn't afraid to attack a stuffed animal on grounds that it was gay in order to save us from those cable-knit tea-sippers.

After 9-11, Fallwell let us know that the "pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle" were responsible for the attacks. If the administration had only listened to Dr. Fallwell, they could have saved all that time they wasted trying to find a link between Al Qaeda and Iraq and seen the clear link between Al Qaeda and the Teletubbies. The war would have been even easier and the insurgency would be cute, but oddly disturbing...

Bush vows veto on any work or thought

"Quite frankly," said Tony Snow, recently back from medical leave, "the bill just passed by the House calls for the President to talk about how things are going in Iraq. C'mon, people... That shit ain't gonna happen. If we come right out and say whether or not things are going the way we planned, then terrorists like the one who asked this question will win."

There was a brief disruption as the journalist who asked the question was "escorted" from the premises.

"Any other questions? No? Thank you," said Mr. Snow.

"It took me a while to find it," said President Bush. "Laura had put [the veto stamp] in a box with some old high school yearbooks. But, now that I know where it is (I keep it with my Harold Baines autographed picture), I find it pretty useful. I mean, 'Bushie' left me a 'honey-do' list the other day - and I just vetoed it. Just like that."

There was a slight pause as Bush located his autographed picture of Harold Baines which the First Lady had placed in a box with some old high school yearbooks. "I'm pretty sure we woulda found them WMDs, but Bushie probably put 'em in some damn box somewhere... Heheheheh..."

"See, the Demo-cracks - I call 'em Demo-cracks 'cause I gotta nickname fer everybody, see? - the Demo-craps ask me to define success over there in order to get money. I blew the dust off this ol' thing and said, 'You ain't the boss of me!'" Bush emphatically slammed the veto stamp down on his desk.

"Now them Blemo-flaps ask me to give some damn status report about what's going on in Iraq to get my damn money... Well, me an' ol' veto-y joe here (see, I even have a nickname for this) have a thing or three to say about that..." Bush slammed the stamp down on his desk again, adding, "YOU AIN'T THE BOSS OF ME!!!"

That'll show 'em...

So, Graffiti Busters came through our alley and cleaned up all the tags. For my rural friends, young men in an urban environment often join social clubs called "gangs." As a member of one of these clubs, it is customary to leave notes to your clubmates (or, "homies") in public places. These are called "tags." Anyhow...

So they cleaned them all up except for the one on the garage next door. There, apparently, someone just crossed it out with a Sharpie© and wrote (in a gang-ish font), "Fags." It reminds me of the "Tough on Graffiti" skit on SNL.

Uncanny...

News from the screen in the elevator

"Federal crash statistics show that drivers 85 or older are involved in 3 fatal accidents a day." That seems like an awful lot for one person, even if they're old...