A Reason to Be Thankful for Robots

If it weren't for them, alcoholism would no longer be funny.

Coping With Extreme to Ungodly Diarrhea Pain

You know when you've had diarrhea for a week and it feels like someone is stabbing you in the asshole every time you go? Here are some techniques to deal with the pain:

• Try screaming "Holy Fucking Shit!" every time the pesto-like fluid shoots from your diarrhea-ravaged anus.
• Find a nice magazine article that will hold your attention. Try really focusing on the content. Then, yell "Holy Fucking Shit!" each time it feels as though someone's cramming a crochet needle into your sphincter.
• I haven't tried this yet, but maybe get rip-roaring drunk.
• Add "Jesus Christ!" to your "Holy Fucking Shit!" just to keep things fresh as your anus is rent asunder by yet another jet of foamy green liquid.
  

Feel free to add your tips to the Comments section.

Bhutto has been assassinated...

Years of Columbo watching have told me to look for the person with the motive. Who would stand to gain from such an atrocity... Hmmm...

I don't really know what all the fuss is about...

I've been Googling myself for years.

An Uncomfortable Call

Ring... Ring...

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jesus - Santa. How's it going?"

"Santa! What up?"

"Not much. Hey... Me and the elves were talking, and... Well, we're gonna call it off."

"Call what off?"

"Christmas. We're going to call off Christmas."

"What? You can't call off Christmas!"

"Well, see... We have to. My reindeer don't have any magic corn. They can't fly. We're calling it off."

"No - I mean you can't call off Christmas. It's my day. My name's even in there... Christ-mas? See?"

"Yeah... I feel bad and all with it being your birthday, but the fact is there's no magic corn. No magic corn, no flying reindeer. No flying reindeer, no toys. No toys? No Christmas."

"No toys?!? No TOYS?!?!"

"Look, Dude. Coming back from the dead was a cute little trick and all, but have you ever tried delivering gifts to every child on earth in one day? No? I didn't think so. So... If you want a birthday party, why don't you talk to your old man about scoring me some more freakin' magic corn for my damn reindeer. Call me when you have good news."

Click...

"Santa? Santa?? Santa!!! Asshole..."

Click...

Well, they gave us Kate Hudson...

Not to date myself (and some of you already know how ancient I am), but these guys were Saturday morning entertainment when I was a kid. I remember actually liking these guys, too.

On the plus side, one of them fathered Kate Hudson. On the minus side, she gave us another generation of Black Crowes.

Hold me...

I'm a little freaked out right now, because Ron Paul is kind of making sense to me. I want to reiterate - I am NOT a republican. Still, Ron and I meet on the ski slope of "that's too complex to legislate."

To creationists:

What the fuck is wrong with you? Let me put some perspective to your argument:

Let's say this was a criminal case. Let's say you were accusing a man of stealing your bacon. After looking at the facts (the empty bacon container, the grease in your frying pan, the smoky pork belches you emit occasionally), it is determined that you yourself ate the bacon. You would say, "Ah... You just don't understand the way the Lord works." When we bring out the surveillance video of you, yourself, eating the bacon, you say, "Ah... Praise Jesus for weeding out the non-believers."

I mean, you're saying that all of the evidence of evolution (including being able to recreate it in the laboratory) is some sort of elaborate ruse. The logical conclusion of this argument is that God/Yahwe/Jehovah/Allah is some sort of teleological huckster charlatan. Not that logical coherence is Christianity's strong suit, but come on! What you're, basically, saying is that God is fucking with you to test your level of comittment. What you're, basically, doing is behaving like a compulsive liar. When confronted with the truth, you react somewhere between a dazed and confused look and shouting "Watermelon! Watermelon! Watermelon!"

Basically, what I'm trying to say is thank you, creationists, for dragging this country back to the dark ages. Thanks for fucking up the country I love beyond recognition. Thanks for being the dumbass motherfucking relative we pray to God doesn't open their damn mouth in front of company. You are an embarassment to the great men who founded this nation. Or, maybe that's just another one of God's tricks.

Snow day

It was the first real snow of the season today. The Bean and I had fun making a snowman.



Here it can be seen to scale.



Then, there was a party.



We had fun.