Coping With Extreme to Ungodly Diarrhea Pain

You know when you've had diarrhea for a week and it feels like someone is stabbing you in the asshole every time you go? Here are some techniques to deal with the pain:

• Try screaming "Holy Fucking Shit!" every time the pesto-like fluid shoots from your diarrhea-ravaged anus.
• Find a nice magazine article that will hold your attention. Try really focusing on the content. Then, yell "Holy Fucking Shit!" each time it feels as though someone's cramming a crochet needle into your sphincter.
• I haven't tried this yet, but maybe get rip-roaring drunk.
• Add "Jesus Christ!" to your "Holy Fucking Shit!" just to keep things fresh as your anus is rent asunder by yet another jet of foamy green liquid.
  

Feel free to add your tips to the Comments section.