Here are some ideas you are free to take, develop, and use as your own:

• Spray-on Sunglasses – ’nuff said?
• Tuna Flavored Chicken – For those who love tuna, but want it in drumstick form
• Ikea to English Translator – Comes with its own hex wrench
• Self-destructing Eggs – Never worry about eating eggs past their expiration date… BOOM!
• Sarcasm Punctuation Mark – This would be great…  Really…
• Beginner’s Rubik’s Cube – Just one square per side!

If you have some ideas of your own you’re willing to part with, post them in the comments.

Thanks.

The management.

If Darth Vader had been played by Wallace Shawn?

One Tuesday in the future, a day that would come to be forever known as “That One Tuesday,” the United States Congress decided it was better to stop manufacturing problems and to focus on the problems the people of the United States already had. At first, the American people were a bit uncomfortable because they had nothing to yell at each other about. Then, they got on with their lives and everyone was better off.

Some of them even went on to do great things.

Guy #1: “Wow. That was weird…  The doctor just grabbed my nuts and told me to cough.  Then, he stuck his finger up my butt and poked around…”

Guy #2: “Nah.  That’s pretty standard for a checkup.”

Guy #1: “But, it was my wife’s appointment…”

I’ve learned a few things about Congress following the events leading up to a potential shutdown of the government.  First and foremost is that many members of Congress have funny names.  Some of them sound downright dirty.  Here’s a sampling:

• Max Baucus – D, Montana
• Jon Tester – D, Montana
• Harry Reid – D, Nevada
• Barbara Boxer – D, California
• Daniel Akaka – D, Hawaii
• Mike Crapo – R, Idaho
• Dick Durbin – D, Illinois
• Bob Corker – R, Tennessee
• Orrin Hatch – R, Utah
• Maria Cantwell – D, Washington
• Thad Cochran – R, Mississippi
• Wally Herger – R, California
• Bob Filner – D, California
• Jim Himes – D, Connecticuit
• Judy Biggert – R, Illinois
• David Loebsack – D, Iowa
• Dutch Ruppersberger – D, Maryland
• Virginia Foxx – R, North Carolina
• Anthony Weiner – D, New York
• John Boehner – R, Ohio
• Marcia Fudge – D, Ohio
• Chaka Fattah – D, Pennsylvania
• Norman Dicks – D, Washington

I’ve also learned that the Dems are kicking the GOP’s ass when it comes to silly-ass names.  Let us know in the comments if you have a favorite.

In honor of Wookie Week, we here at bigSoda have compiled what we feel are the best quotes by everyone’s favorite heavily-armed bathmat.  Without further adieu, here’s the list:

5) “Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahhhhhaa…”

4) “Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrr.  AWR!”

3) “Wruwuwuwuwuwuarrrrrrhhh.”

2) “Unghuhuhngawurhrhrharrrarrrrh!”

1) “Ruh-roh!”

We hope you enjoyed this list. Please feel free to add your faves in the comments.

It’s a tense time here in Chicago.  We’re all hoping for a buzzer-beater snow storm so we can finally grab bragging rights to snowiest February from that sn0-cone of the 19th century, 1896.  But, even if we don’t get the snow, there’s a number of things that make twenty-eleven hella-cooler than 1896.  So, I decided to put together a list:

1. Internet porn
2. Jamba Juice
3. Meghan Fox and her uncannily clubbed thumb
4. Foaming soap
5. Steam-powered video games
6. Collective bargaining

Okay, so we may lose collective bargaining, but we have internet porn!  So, suck it!

CUPERTINO (California): Apple Inc.’s industry-leading iPhone devices will soon be able to do more than play music and run apps.  Apple announced the development of an app that allows users to make phone calls, an ability that phones from Apple’s rivals already offer and that iPhone owners have long sought.

The changes, coming this summer to iPhones in the form of the app “iPhonePhone”, mean that users might be able to punch in a 10-digit code (aka “phone number”) and carry on a conversation with a friend in a different location, before starting a new task.

“We weren’t the first to this party, but we’re going to be the best,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs declared on Thursday, as bloggers, software developers and others in the audience greeted the news of “telecommunication” with applause.

The iPhone already permits multitasking, but the ability to conduct a conversation at a distance was only available through third-party applications. Apple had not given users ways to seamlessly “call a friend,” the way phones from rivals Palm Inc. and Google Inc. already do.

That will change with the release of iPhonePhone. Apple generally makes such apps available for free.

“It really changes the way you use the iPhone,” Jobs said. “You’re bouncing around the apps with tremendous fluidity, and now you can actually use it as a phone”

Band practice is an emotionally taxing endeavor.  Musical compositions are performed with each nuance subject to the most unforgiving scrutiny.  Each member of the musical combo is focused on the details of the musical integrity of each piece with the hawk-like diligence of…

Eh, who am I kidding?

BigDrag is like an idiot casserole that’s been slowly baking over the… Holy crap…  15+ years we’ve been playing together.  So long, in fact, that the finest bits of idiocy have become browned to perfection.  Often times, after we’ve slammed through our set, Chris will sit at the computer and fire up some first-person shooter game to show off the ridiculous game-play to us.   One of those games was Team Fortress 2, and he was showing off the weapons the different characters had available to them, not least of which was the Sniper’s jar of piss.

Generally speaking, the rest of us just add color commentary to Chris’ battles on the computer screen.  This one sent Ed and I over the edge, much to Joe’s chagrin.  Ed and I laughed ’til we couldn’t breathe thinking of situations where the most desirable possibility in a given situation was that you were covered in piss, or that the puddle you found had damn well better be piss.

Once you start, it’s a pretty funny game (or, at least, Ed and I think so).  So, I’m offering up the first annual bigSoda writing challenge:

The rules are simple – write a story of any length, the setup can be whatever you like, but the final sentence must be the title of this post (or some profanity-laden variation on it).  In order to enter into the contest, just post a comment to this post with a link to the story online.  Do so by March 31st, 2011 and entries will be judged by me.  I’ll announce a winner (if there are any entries) by tax day – April 15th, 2011.  Remember, it doesn’t matter where you start it just has to end up with a quantity of urine being the best-case scenario at the conclustion.

The winner will receive a $50 Amazon Gift Card and a first-generation Zune I no longer use with whatever music happens to be on there.

I know you can do it.  I have faith in you, so fire up your favorite word processor and start typ…  Oh, my God! That had better be piss!

Ellie: You know, Boo-Boo…  If a dinosaur was standing over our car and pooped, our whole car would be covered in poop.

Edison: Yeah… Then we’d have to go to the car wash.

Daddy: Not to mention the laudromat to clean Daddy’s underpants…

Ellie & Edison: Hahahahaha!  Underpants…